Turning the page.

It’s funny how you don’t really appreciate the worth of anything until you realise you don’t have it anymore.

Well, of course you appreciate it, you might think. But do you really? You can feel lucky for having things, they can make you feel truly content or a part of something greater than yourself. Appreciation is something that we do every day.

Is that appreciation, though? For me, I feel that that’s something for afterwards. What you don’t, can’t, realise is just how deep down inside these things can take root. When you lose something, a person, a place, something close to you, you don’t always realise that you also lose a part of yourself.

Since I’ve moved away from London I’ve realised that I miss the place much more than I’d ever expected to. In a small town you don’t get the all-expansive feel of a place as vibrant as London. In its heart you can go anywhere and there will always be something new to do. I loved exploring the shopping backwaters of Camden and Brick Lane, walking around Covent Garden, popping up to the South Kensington museums and Kew Gardens every now and again… Of course, the regular transport system was an unappreciated blessing, too – buses here aren’t nearly as regular.

But it’s not just places. It’s people too. Especially people. There are a lot of people who I really miss now who used to be an integral part of my life – I just didn’t realise it at the time. Of course, these people aren’t gone, as such. We merely walk different paths, and we may meet again further along the way. I hope so. Everybody loves a good story. Talking from a distance isn’t the same. You want to hold on to them, but trying to is like cupping a handful of water, or sand. You might save some, but you can see the rest slowly slipping away, through your fingers. Falling back into the flow of that curious river, Life.

What I’ve come to realise in the last few weeks is that you can’t forever look to the past, no matter how bright and shining it was. I’ve begun to accept that, and life has since become much easier. I used to be a very positive person, and its only recently that I’ve started to regain that spring in my step. That’s something I’m very grateful for. Life is what we make it, after all.

I guess that they’re all different facets of the same thing, in the end. Heartbreak. That’s what it boils down to. An ache deep within you that you’ve lost something you’ve loved. In some cases it’s just a twinge, but some can knock you to the floor for days. Longer, even. Each is a different kind of hurt. Some leave deeper scars than others, but the wounds shape you, like a carpenter carving wood. Or a jeweller slowly cutting away at a diamond. What you have to remember is that each cut is a transformation, a step along the road of transcendence. And that’s a difficult truth to grasp.

I realise that I haven’t accepted this fully, not yet. But I’ve picked myself up and begun to chase it, to experience new things, trying to live in the moment. It’s difficult, yes; but I love the challenge, the thrill of the chase. I’m counting my blessings, realising again just how lucky I am. It’s not appreciation, not yet. That comes with time. But let’s not worry too much about that.

After all, the meaning of life is to live.

So get out there and live it.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nadine
    Feb 02, 2011 @ 11:47:02

    🙂

    Reply

  2. Gemma (Niles)
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 22:04:05

    This is really lovely, Chris.
    Sorry I haven’t commented before now, I can never think of what to say, but I have been reading and silently enjoying your posts. x

    Reply

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'Quintconsequential' is a word of my own invention, despite the definition in the style of the Oxford English Dictionary featured on the site. By all means, use it, whisper it, shout it from the rooftops. But please, remember that you heard it here first!
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